I always knew I'd love her. I just never realised how much.
It feels like a year since she arrived. It's only been 10wks. Occassionaly I'll stop and think "wait a minute, I'm someone's mother! I am responsible for another human being. This little baby is going to turn in to a toddler, then a child, then a teenager, then an adult. Bloody hell, one day this baby is going to be having babies of her own!!" At times like these I start to freak out and wonder if I can cope. Other times it's as if it just completly normal, completly natural. As if she's been here my whole life, as if I've always been looking after her. Other times I stare at her tiny perfect face and try to imagine the person she will become. Will she be like me or her father? Will she be a dancer or a lifesaver or a reader? Will she feel like an loner like I did? Will she eventually find happiness like I did?
Sometimes I think that I don't feel as strongly as I should. I love people, I know anger & sadness but often I feel as if most of those feelings are trapped away and I am only feeling a proportion of what I should. When I look at Lily I sometimes feel overwhelmed. How is it possible that I can feel so much for one person? With Dean it is different. We just fit, we connect and I could not imagine my life without him. But when Lily smiles at me my heart swells and I almost cry. You read about it, it's so cliched when someone says "my children are my life" but I believe it now.
I don't think any words could explain the way that I feel when Lily smiles at me while she's trying to feed or the way I feel when I look at her in the crazy positions she gets herself in to in bed.